photo by Daan Spijer

What goes on in the brain of a man who looks at a woman and barely sees more than a vulva and two breasts? To that man, it makes little difference if she is wearing a bikini or a burqa; he will undress her anyway.

In his brain, he is already having sex with her, whether that is on her mind or not. It is the same when he looks at images of female celebrities or would-be celebrities in print or online.

He is suffering from a common mental illness. He is unable to relate to another person as a full human being. In his mind, she has no will and could not have one. In his mind she unconsciously wants him to have sex with her. If she says she doesn’t, it is because her desire is unconscious, so what would you expect. But he knows her unconscious desires — he’s a mind reader.

This narcissist believes she finds him irresistibly desirable, thus her unconscious thoughts.

The only hope any woman has of not falling foul of his uncontrolled imagination and sense of entitlement is to stay clear of him. It matters not a jot how she dresses or walks, or where she is, or what time of day it is, because he will unfailingly undress her in his mind so he may drool over her breasts and vulva.

He does not understand that she is not these ‘things’. She may have them, in whatever shape and size, but they do not define who she is. The only way he could find out who she is, would be to relate to her, but he is incapable of this. Because he sees himself as incomplete, he cannot see her as complete. He may even think that inserting his penis into her vagina will make him complete. It won’t. Nor will it make him more than he is, little as that may be.

He may be so ill that he sees objects as potential vulvas, which is why he may regard her as an object with a vulva.

To call this man a prick may well be an accurate description, because he may not see himself as more than that: a round peg seeking a round hole.

What this man craves, though he is unaware of it, is intimacy, and he is unlikely to discover it in the act of coitus. However, because any woman who might offer him true intimacy will be seen by him as a vulva and two breasts, it could be dangerous for her to make an offer of any true intimacy.

Not until, through some miracle, he can peel his two-dimensional self off the page of the shallow magazine he is stuck to, and stands there in all his glorious, three-dimensional vulnerability, will he be able to experience intimacy that does not involve a vulva. And then he may find it in that form of intercourse as well.




Lawyer, mediator, award-winning writer and photographer, living with his wife Sally in Mt Eliza, (south of Melbourne) Australia

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Daan Spijer

Daan Spijer

Lawyer, mediator, award-winning writer and photographer, living with his wife Sally in Mt Eliza, (south of Melbourne) Australia

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